Letters to… (Rants and Rambles)

Dear Broadcasters;

Thanks so much for switching over from analogue to digital signals. Now, the two channels I barely get will be gone by the end of August. If I want to continue watching the mediocre shows I occasionally watch, I have to shell out for a digital conversion box (btw, isn’t that what the Riddler tried to sell to Gotham in “Batman Forever?).

If I could afford to pay for my TV, I’d get cable.

Thanks a bunch.




Dear Highway Between Ottawa and Montreal;

You’re a nice stretch of road. Peaceful even. But there’s a stretch before you hit the Quebec border that sound weird. It makes a whistling sound. Yes, that’s right, a whistling-like sound. I’m sure it has something to do with the light-coloured road and the sound of the tires going over it. But, it’s kinda bothersome.

So, if you could change that, I’d appreciate it.


Me Driving to Montreal.


Dear Place of Employment;

What. The. Deuce!

You are becoming really stupid and irritating. Rushing things through. Avoiding protocols. Pushing what few workers you have to the breaking point. Not communicating. In short, your acting like a dumb-ass male who doesn’t read the instructions and gets his wife to help him while ignoring her input.

Please stop. 


Argh! *sigh*


Dear Vehicle Drivers;

They put that silly stick on the left side of the steering wheel for a reason!

It’s called a turn signal!

How about using it once in a while! 




Dear Bicycle Riders;

Kudos for having the courage and healthiness to bike everywhere you go, even in the winter.

I’m all for bike safety on the roads, and that drivers should be more aware of your presence on the streets.

However, according to my cloudy, driver’s training memory, people on bicycles are considered “motor vehicles”. The person on the bike is the motor.

So how come I see many people on bikes riding on sidewalks? I can’t drive on sidewalks. So why are they allowed? The majority of people who do this aren’t avid bikers. They don’t wear helmets or tight-fitting shorts, or cool shoes that fit snuggly into custom-made pedals. They are usually kids or people who have no others means of transport.

Yet, just this week, I saw two fellas on those reclining (recumbent?) bikes, replete with the fancy shorts, shoes, helmets… oh wait, only one had a helmet on. Anyways, they biked across the cross walk in front of me and patiently waited to do the same once the light changed.

Bicyclers, if you want drivers to take you seriously, you have to obey the rules of the roads. That means either driving through an intersection like other vehicles, or getting your ass off the bike and walking it across the cross walk.

As for the unfancy biker riders, maybe the police should start cracking down on them. Or better yet, make it that people who have a bike, need a licence to ride it! Thus, they need to get proper training! Just think of the potential money grab for the Government!

If that doesn’t work, then I’d like to apply for a licence to drive on the sidewalk.


Me Driving the Streets… for now.


Dear Past;

I have some things to tell you that you really need to remember.

Once upon a time, someone you cared about walked all over your feelings and left you angry and closed off. Many years later, when you thought time had healed all those old wounds, you discovered… nope, it didn’t. You just used your improved intelligence and verbal expressiveness to lash out at someone who probably could have used an old friend. You were petty, argumentative and, in short, a dick.

Holding onto negativity is no way to live, especially when it’s for a person who, like you, made mistakes, isn’t perfect, and is just doing the best they can to make it through a sometimes crappy life.

Recently, there was someone else, someone who caught you by surprise. And what did you do? Nothing. Well, you did a little, but not enough. Then, when they moved on, you got all pissy and pushed them away. Smooth move, Brainiac!

Hindsight has proved a few things may have been true, but instead of asking those questions in the fun and exciting way of a potential relationship, you chickened out. Buckled like a belt. You blamed your past, lack of trust, and various other crap that sounded good at the time. Made you feel deep and wounded. Awww. Look where it got ya! Nowhere!

Like Buddha says, life is suffering. If you let it get ya down, then you’ll just be down, all the time. Sometimes, it’s just a part of nature. You can’t be happy all the time. But if you let that feeling of being down stop you from trying to make a potentially meaningful connection with someone interesting, someone that made you actually feel for someone for the first time in a loooong time, then it’s a wasted emotion. Life is about taking risks, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It’s scary and can hurt like hell. But sometimes, it feels really good.

So, Past Self, maybe it’s time to take a chill pill and let Present Self do what it can to make itself happy, instead of dwelling on Past Self. It ain’t gonna be easy. Old habits and routines are hard to break. There will be missteps. But keep moving forward, cause that’s a better direction than moving backwards.

Good luck!




Dear Hollywood Executives;

Apes playing baseball?

Giant mechanical spiders?

Nic Cage as Superman?

Rehashing anything to make movies instead of taking a risk on something original and different.

You guys really gotta stop trying to put your two-cents worth into movie-making and just hand over the money to the creative people. And this is coming from a guy who loved the Transformers movies!

Just a thought.


Puzzled/ Starving/ Aspiring Screenwriter


Dear People of Britain;

Unless you want a government like that in “V for Vendetta”, I suggest police do something about the gangs, parents actually discipline their kids, and society do something about the lack of respect, compassion and accountability that many of these hoodlum/ kids seem to lack. Cause it’s not just in the UK, it sometimes seems like a whole generation.


An Old Fart


Dear World;

You are a mess. Just look at yourself!

People starving. Countries running out of money. Poles are melting. Reality TV is still popular. Dogs and/or babies are left in hot cars on sweltering hot days. Politicians argue, trying to get one up on their opponents instead of trying to work together. Those with money are scrambling to ensure they maintain their money and fancy cars and houses, while others live on streets. Money is wasted on entertaining and placating us when it should go towards making the world better and cleaner… I could go on, but you get the point.

The world is a mess. Humanity is a mess. It’s pretty frightening how quickly we all got this way.

Everything needs to change. I’d make some suggestions, but it seems that no one is listening, especially those in power. Why? Because those in power might lose their monopoly on the power and wealth they have. And they are greedy son-of-a-bitches.

So, here’s hoping that the apes really do take over. Or that something wipes us all off the earth, so Mother Nature can start over fresh. After all, Dinosaurs were wiped out 65 Million years ago, and they were around for, like, ever! We’ve only been around for a few million years. I doubt we’ll do as well as the Dinosaurs.


Just Another Human




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