We Are All Monkeys: A Rapid Rant

I think I finally figured out things like Jackass and people who pee on their friend’s faces then post the video on YouTube.

We are all monkeys.

It starts waaay back, when humans were mor monkey than man.

Yes, I know there will be some that will argue this point, ad nauseam. Some will get right pissed about the connection but lets face some common sense here…

1. the Earth isn’t a few thousand years old.

2. Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, etc believed their gods were real, now they are called myths. Who’s to say the same fate doesn’t await Christianity.

3. Is it really so bad to think that we are descended from apes? Really? C’mon. If I don’t mind, neither should the uppity types.

Ok, now that I’ve weeded out the unfun people, let’s get back to point #3.

We are monkeys. We may be hairless, walk upright, used digital watches, but deep down, we are still monkeys who want to fling poo at each other. If you want proof, watch Jackass!

On shows like Jackass or the ba-jillions of videos on YouTube, people are doing stupid, harmful things to each other. Peeing on a friend’s face, wrapping their penis in tin-foil and sticking it in a light socket, sticking unknowing friend’s faces in someone’s sweaty ass… I could literally go on forever, but you get my point. How are any of these things, or the previously, accurate and credible number of ba-jillions, any different from monkeys flinging poo at each other?

Just because we can think abstract thoughts, determine a potential future outcome through experience, and ask questions that span the universe and human consciousness, doesn’t mean we are incapable of flinging poo.

According to scientists, we aren’t overly genetically different from chimpanzees, those famous for poo flinging. The difference between us and them may be the abstract/experience/ consciousness thingy, but the similarities come down to poo flinging.

(And yes, before you get all up in my grill about the difference between chimpanzees and “monkeys”, it’s just a damn title, lighten up!)

The differences are great, but the similarities are surprising. Just imagine what apes or monkeys would film if they had access to video cameras. They would be giving lectures on the art of making bed from branches or lion evasion. They’d film one of them picking their asses, or smooshing poo into someone else’s face. They sure as hell wouldn’t make a documentary for National Geographic. They’d be a hit on Jackass or Tosh.0.

So, to those who watch the stupid things that people do and wonder how people could do something like that, just remind them that we are all monkeys (or apes), and this is what they would do if they could.

Where’s my banana.


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