Letters to… Rants and Raves

Dear Canadian Hockey Fans;

With another year of hockey having come to an end, it’s time to look back on the two teams that carried the flag to the end.

In the east, the Ottawa Senators, predicted to finish last in the league, pulled off a miracle and made the playoffs, facing a tough, hard-playing team in the New York Rangers. Although they lost, the fans and player couldn’t have been prouder. Out west, the Vancouver Canucks, the top team in their division, hoped to erase the memories of last years Stanley Cup finals, and the riots that followed. But the Los Angeles Kings surprised everyone and showed why the under-dogs should never be under-estimated.

With the end of the hockey season, we Canadian fans look back on a season where we finally gained a seventh hockey team in Winnipeg… What?…

Yes, I know there’s still hockey being played, but I don’t case! Why? Because I AM CANADIAN!  I don’t give a rats ass about Jersey or L.A.! Once there’s no Canadian teams playing, I switch off! Hockey is done people!


A Canadian, eh!


Dear Reality TV Producers;

Enough already!

Hillbilly Handfishing. Swap People. Duck Dynasty. Two Big-Breasted Women Chasing Pigs (or whatever that show’s name is). My Big Fat Deadliest Ice-Trucking, Gold-Digging, Diamond-Diving, Dress-Wearing, Nanny-Hiring, Gypsy Wedding, Uncut, reality TV craziness has got to stop!

Not to mention all the Judge Judy-types of shows out there, where he audience see “Real people. Real cases.”, which are all real stupid! Just how desperate are people to get famous and be on TV? Desperate enough to have Judge Judy reveal just how stupid they are to be going to court over a few hundred dollars! Sue your Mom? Cool! Do it on TV!

Good god. If there was a true sign of the impeding apocalypse, all these types of shows would be it.

TV transmissions are beamed out into space. Aliens have been watching this crap. They think this is “reality”. I would totally understand if they came down and probed that annoying guy from Storage Wars who bids by saying “Yeeeah!” Or better yet, just come down and blast our asses into smithereens, just for polluting the universe.

I bet aliens prefer the scripted cleverness of shows like Buffy and Burn Notice, the chemistry and science of Bones and CSI. They probably think HIMYM and 2 Broke Girls is a hoot! But this reality stuff just pisses them off.

So, in closing, to save the world, stop making all those reality shows.


Concerned Earth Citizen


Dear Chuck Norris;

You supported Newt Gingrich?!



Fan on the Fence


Dear Luka Lame-Ass, Made-up Name Magnotta;

You are one screwed up fella. And you didn’t have to cut up a torso and mail off the foot and hand to the Conservatives or Liberals.

(sidebar: The Liberals? They aren’t even the official opposition! Way to pay attention, jackass.)

All one has to do is check out your pics. Sadly, the newspapers printed them , so you got more exposure. Sure, you are all over the world, but you still look like a creep. Just makes me wonder home much you had to pay a woman, or man, to hang around you long enough to be considered a relationship.

But being creepy wasn’t enough, you had to suffocate kittens. You are fucked buddy. In the head. You have a head fulla bad wiring that makes you think your cool and handsome, when in truth, you one of the ugliest piece of human trash that I’ve had the misfortune of reading about.

With all your talk about your modeling and porn career, and bragging about how easily it would be for you to disappear, I sincerely hope you get mauled by some large animal that only sees you as play thing. Even though my recent turn towards Buddhism would probably frown upon my wishing another person harm, fortunately, you aren’t a human. So, as long as I understand why I’m disgusted by someone like you, and hope for your ruination, then I can learn from this and continue my life in peace.

Speaking of Buddhism, I’d hate to have your karma. Cause when you come back, your life will be very hard, very short, and very painful.




Dear Americans;

First off, just wanna say how much I dig a lot of the stuff you do. Big budget summer movies, awesome! Coca-Cola, very yummy! Those muscle cars you made a while back, classic! But your electorial system is kinda messed up.

Now I understand you have a lot more people down there in the U. S. and A, than up here in Canada. We got a measly 33 million people, compared to your 300+ million. Yet, despite some minor hiccups, our electoral system seems to work better and doesn’t take FOREVER like yours does.

In comparison, Once  a federal election is announced up here, it’s generally about a month or so until election night. It seems like your process takes years and has all these terms like super electorial votes or something. It just seems really coo-coo and, at least once in recent memory, it got the wrong guy elected, twice.

My suggestion? KISS. No, don’t get Gene Simmons and the boys, I mean “Keep It Simple, Stupid”. Every person gets one vote, regardless of social stature or income. I say that because it seems that the people with power or wealth get more of a say than others. I thought you guys believed in all men being equal, and the individuals’ right to vote. All that confusing crap and financial favoritism, just toss it. It ain’t good for democracy. Because that’s what you are right? A Democracy. Not, a capitalistic state. Sure you have capitalism in spades! But those two terms aren’t the same thing. But let me tell you, I’m sure you can do your own reading on the subject.

I hope you guys can get things straightened out. Make elections fair for all, so everyone gets this chance to be heard, even if not everyone wants to hear it. It’s part of that whole democracy thing I mentioned. Freedom of speech and all that. Allow EVERYONE to live their lives, so long as they don’t hurt others. Sorta like how homosexuals are continually denied the right to be miserable in marriage like everyone else. I know the hardcore, close-minded, church-y folks are all ascared of the gays. Just don’t invite them to the weddings, or NYC and L.A., and I think everything will be next to neat.

Take care, y’all!

Just a Canuck

PS: the world is watching, so try to make a good impression.


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