Letters To… Hockey, Suicide, YouTubers, & Others

Dear National Hockey League Player Association;

Here’s how things are outside your little world of millions dollar contracts: your sympathy is waning fast.

When you, the players, were locked out, I thought that was pretty stupid. You guys could have played while things were getting settled. But the owners wanted to make a statement, and that statement was “We’re greedy bastards. Screw all the small businesses that make their money based or around hockey. The $3 BILLION we made last year wasn’t enough. We want more! Gimmie. GIMMIE. GIMMIE!!”

There has been news back and forth, ups and downs, but as things drag on into December, we’ve begun to see something else. The players are pretty greedy buggers too.

How much do rookies in the NHL make? I’ve seen figures ranging from $500,000 to nearly $1 million. For what?! Then there are players getting multi-year contracts making them multi-millionaires! I’m sure you have reasons for such incredibly high earnings. But Joe and Jane Average, who probably put themselves in debt just to buy tickets to your games, who live pay cheque to pay cheque, see it another way. They see it as a bunch of millionaires, or soon-to-be millionaires, some earning even more via endorsements, taking their hard-earned money. Sure hockey is a hard sport, but I doubt some of those players would like to stand at a cash at Wal-Mart for eight hours a day for minimum wage.

So, here is my solution. Quit.

If you are playing the game to make millions, then get out. You don’t “love” the game like my two nephews do, or the millions of kids and teens who do it because its fun.

I don’t give a flying F**k about you high-falutin’ stars. Sid the Whiney Kid can kiss my ass!

I’d rather watch games featuring my nephews, or teens , or juniors. Cause they hustle, play, and sweat because they love playing, not because they are bunch or spoiled rich pricks.


Frustrated, Borderline Hockey Fan


Dear NHL Owners;

You guys boggle my mind.

Ever since you saved the Phoenix Coyotes, I’ve been wondering if you have hockey’s best interests in mind. In a Capitalistic society (IE: America), if a business isn’t doing well, and about to fail, you find a way to make it profitable, either by selling or getting new investors. You had people with deep pockets ready to buy. But Noooooo! You spend our own money and save the Coyotes. WHY?!

Your ludicrous behaviour back then probably explains the current situation. The $3 billion you made last year wasn’t enough eh? Guess not, cause now you’re pissing and moaning over millions. I’m all for successful businesses making money and remaining successful, but how much more successful do you need that $3 BILLION isn’t enough?! There are some countries that don’t make that much money!

So, here’s my solution for you guys. Sniper.

No, just kidding.

How about getting people who actually like hockey and putting them in charge. I’m pretty sure Gary Bettman hasn’t played a game of hockey in his life. If he did, he’d be that whiney kid who always gets picked last. Maybe him and Sid should just fight it out and whoever whines most, wins.

Maybe if the owners actually liked hockey, and the players played hockey instead of counting their millions, maybe we wouldn’t be worried about losing the season.


Future Soccer or CFL Fan


Dear Liam Neeson;

I’ve always enjoyed your work since “The Bounty”. But recently, you’ve made the best out of small roles (Battleship), made standard fare better (Taken), and showed serious acting skills (The Grey).

Guess I just wanted say, thanks.

And you rock.


Darkman fan


Dear YouTubers;

When I say “YouTubers”, I’m talking about the morons who post home-made/ fan-made videos and trailers and put “Official Trailer” in the link.

First off, some of your fake trailers look pretty cool. There’s some really creative people out there, with a genuine love for the characters. There are also some really crappy videos, made by people who just want to have pop-ads appear all over the video.

Regardless of which category you fall into, putting “Official” in your link is really, really, REALLY F**kin’ ANNOYING! No matter how good your creation is, it’s not the official trailer! Only the trailer posted by the studio is the official trailer! Putting “Official trailer” in your link makes you either a complete dumbass, or pathetically desperate for attention.

Smarten up or I’ll seek you out and pummel you, Jay-and-Silent-Bob-Strike-Back-style!


Too lazy to Enforce Idle Threat


Dear Suicide Victim;

I just heard on the news that either the nurse or receptionist who was fooled by an Australian Morning show to reveal details about Kate Middleton’s condition killed herself.

I’m sure people will blame the morning show guys who pulled the prank, or the media. But in the end, the only one to blame is the woman who killed herself.

Sure shitty things happen to us, some are even on a grand, public scale. But to take your life over it is the stupidest thing anyone can do. Yeah, it went global, but I never even knew what her name was. Even if her name was published, the incident would be forgotten once another incident happened. That’s the good thing about news media these days, there’s not much depth to it. It has the attention span of a teenager. So once some Kardashian broke a nail and threw a tantrum, this blown-up prank would have been forgotten.

Speaking from personal experience, suicide is NEVER the answer. Sure it sounds simple and easy, but it’s not. If you screw it up, that’s even more embarrassing. If you succeed, you only hurt those around you, who will continually ask themselves why didn’t see it coming. I’m not even going to mention what happens when your muscles that keep your urine and poop in let go.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I feel terrible for this woman who thought death was the only way out. I send my sympathies to her family.

But her decision was a stupid one.


Been There, Almost Done That


Dear Peter Jackson;

Please refer to George Lucas, RE: Star Wars: Episode I-III.

Do NOT make his mistakes.


Large Hobbit-Lookin’ Fellas & Fan Since “The Frighteners”


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