Letters to… Stupid Drivers & Hockey Fans, The Rock, John McClane, David Bowie & HMV

Dear Owners of Larger 4X4, extended-cab Trucks and classic cars;

As much as I respect your massive vehicles, I should remind you that as newer cars get smaller, so do parking spaces at malls and grocery stores.

Therefore, parking you gas-inhaling monster in a regular parking spot, amid more normal sized cars, with your back-end sticking out two-plus feet beyond everyone else isn’t a status symbol, it’s obstacle. If you feel the need to show off how awesome your penis (or vagina, for the ladies) is by screwing up everyone else’s attempt to park within the lines, don’t.

Just go park somewhere else, far away, so us mere mortal can park our meager vehicles in peace.



PS: you’re a dick (or vagina, for the ladies).


Dear Friday Afternoon Drivers;

Despite Alabama’s song, “Five O’Clock 500”, driving like a tool on a Friday afternoon will not get you home sooner.

Ok, maybe it will, but it won’t win you any fans. For example, On one Friday, in the span of 45 minutes, I had two people cut me off (as in nearly driving over-top of my car to get in front of me), and two people wander from one lane to another without a signal, wave, or anything. You’d think they were driving down a deserted dirt road on Sunday. NOPE! It’s a packed highway on a Friday afternoon!

I’m debating on whether I will put a dash-cam in my car, like they do in Russia. I’d love to catch these idiots in action, and post EVERYTHING I CAN about them online. I figure it’s better than following them home, or trying to get them back while dodging busy highway traffic.

BTW, want to try a socio-scientific experiment? On a fairly quiet stretch of major highway, pass a bunch of cars (legally) in one shot, driving at a fairly rapid rate. Cars that you passed because they were driving slow will begin to speed up! Male drivers will feel the need to catch up, keep pace with you, or pass you, only to slow down a little further up. If you don’t believe me, pay attention to your reaction when someone blow by you. Your speed will increase too!

But if you do this, be careful, use your signals, and don’t do it on Friday afternoon.


Dr. Driver


Dear Hockey fans (especially the Toronto Maple Leaf Fans);

You suck.

Why the hell are you still booing Ottawa Senator’s captain Daniel Alfredsson?! Oh ya, he did something to someone back in 2007, or something or other to a player you no longer have. Oh, I see. Make perfect sense… LMAO No wonder no one like Toronto! Cause yer a bunch of whiny little bitches!

But ya know, you’re not the only stupid hockey fans. I recently listened to the Winnipeg Jets fans boo their team because they were doing shitty. You guys should be thanking your frozen balls for having a hockey team at all! You showed great passion and loyalty when you got your team, then you boo them because they had a shitty game? That’s just sad, and pathetic. Keep that shit up, and they’ll take your team away from you and give it to Markham, Ontario, so Toronto can FINALLY have a hockey team.


A Hockey fan that would NEVER boo his team, no matter how bad they do!


Dear Dwayne Johnson;

You rock.

Pun intended.

Keep it the good work!


Wrestling-movie fan.


Dear John McClane;

When I heard that Olympus Has Fallen, I thought, “What would John McClane do?”

To my shock, someone ELSE took car of it?!

W. T. F?!

Were you still in Russia? Still spending quality time with your reunited family? btw, little Lucy is a sparkplug! Damn!

Anyways, the next time terrorists do something nasty in America, I want YOU to take care of it. The guy from “300” and “Gamer” is badass, so feel free to call him for back-up. Otherwise, it better be John McClane reluctantly saving the day with a smart-ass quip and a YIPPE-KI-YEAH MOTHERFUCKER!


Fan who even liked Die Hard 2


Dear David Bowie;

First off, welcome back!

Love the new CD! Very cool. Great neo-classic sound.

Two little things:

1. Don’t take so long to show these little poppy, snot-nosed punks/ upstarts how it’s done proper.

2. Feel free to do more acting in movies. If I were a producer, I’d be begging you to play a role in a movie. Even when you’re wearing an 80’s big-hair wig, and waaay too tight pants, you’re still cool.

Anyways, keep up the good work, and try to be more frequent… if you can! No pressure. 🙂


The tubby-fuzzy duke


Dear HMV;

I have recently been visiting your store and enjoying purchasing some products.

But every time I’m there, you try to get me to join this club/ point thingy. When I asked about it, I found out I couldn’t sign up online, and that I had to fill out this fill-in-the-boxes form.

A form?! A physical, hand-written form?!? Seriously?! This is the 21st century, jackass! There are apps for this kind of shit! At the very least, there should be a website to go to! But nope! Gotta write it out by hand. Cool! Maybe I can listen to the latest cassette tape on my Walkman before I go by some Smurfs or Gobots!

Grow a website, HMV!


fan of CD Warehouse… where I have an ONLINE account.






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