Dear Google +,

You suck.

Allow me to explain.

First, you don’t get along with other social media sites. You’re all “I’m special, I don’t have to work with others because of my specialness! It’s my way or the highway internet people!”

Well, I prefer back roads, Google +! Screw your highway!

Second, you are really stingy with names used for Google +. On other, better social media sites, including MySpace, you can use any name you want. But not you! It’s proper names or no names. Even if you insist the name you use is a name associated with you and your online presence, it don’t matter! I’ve been using the name “Sarcasticus Rex” for at least 8 years now. I used it on MySpace when MySpace was cool! But can use it on Google+? Nope!

Google, you may be THE place to search for everything (bing!… hmm, someone at the door?), but your social media thingy is a little too snooty and high-falutin’

May I suggest you change the name to Google-?

Sincerely,

Sarcasticus Rex, who can be found on MySpace (still), Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, even LinkedIn!

 

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

Thanks for having continually erect nipples, even while doing commercials.

Sincerely,

Straight Men.

 

Dear Batman Fans,

This isn’t for those who wear his merch without having read any of his comics, or for those who read his comics and think he’s been prostituted by DC and Warner Brothers, or the middle-ground fans who like a few things of his stuff (which would probably include me).

I’m talking about the fans who post on social media and forums about how Batman can beat anyone, anything, at anytime. From Swamp Thing to Wolverine to a meteor, these people seem to have this idea that Batman can whoop anyone’s ass.

As much as I dig the idea of a normal guy putting a beat-down on Superman, there comes a time when you have to pull your head out of your ass and realize Batman isn’t unstoppable, or immortal.

The argument usually goes something like this…

“Batman can beat Jesus. He just needs to prepare. He can get a time machine, go back in—”

Whoa! Back the truck up!  There’s the magic word right there… “prepare”. Hell, anyone can beat almost anyone else if they are “prepared”! The thing is, Batman doesn’t carry all his shit with him every night he goes out! If he did, his costume would be nothing but utility belts, of a bus fulla his crap “just in case” he stumbled across some unstoppable baddie.

Here’s a reality check for you kids: A sniper could kill Batman. A dude with a handgun, getting a lucky shot to his face, could kill Batman. An ocean liner dropped on his will kill him! I don’t care how many gadgets and shit you got in a utility belt, the sheer weight of an ocean liner WILL crush EVERYTHING underneath it. Spill Wolverine’s beer, he’ll slice Bats to ribbons. If Supes doesn’t catch his sneeze, Bats is blown two States over, his body broken into itty bitty Bat-bits.

Deal with it morons. Batman is cool, but he isn’t unstoppable.

Sincerely,

Reality

 

Dear Moby-Haters,

Grow up.

He’s a little preachy about vegetables and eating animals and such, but as long as he doesn’t come to our houses and force to stop eating bacon, and he keeps making better and better albums (oh sorry, “downloads” for the kiddies out there), then I’m cool with him.

If you genuinely don’t like him or his music, here’s some advice, DON’T LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC!

Sincerely,

A Carnivore

 

Dear “Everything Wrong With…” Guy,

In case you don’t know who I’m talking about, go to YouTube, type in “Everything Wrong with…” and a movie’s name. Chances are, he’s done something about said movie. Go ahead, check it out, I’ll wait til you get back.

 

*Intermission*

 

Took ya long enough!

Ok, so to recap, this guy, who’ll I’ll call EWW guy, skewers movies. He mocks and makes fun of movies, what the characters do, plot holes, and tons of other stuff. At first, when I watched a few, they were pretty funny. But the more I watched, I began to realize there were some times when he was stretching it.

Pointing out mistakes is cool. Commenting on plot holes is understandable. But when he starts mocking the lack of plot points that are actually there if you watch the movie, is kinda lazy. I’m sure when he first started doing this, he was quite clever. But as he ran out of fodder, he started just picking apart everything, disregarding whether his beef was genuine or not.

Years ago, on the day of my grad prom, a couple of buddies and I watched the original “Star Wars” (Episode IV: A New Hope for the kiddies) to kill time. We were in a goofy mood and started making fun of the movie, making raunchy and lewd in the process. We laughed our asses off at our comments and had a great time, better than the actual prom!

Us dissing Star Wars was more akin to Mystery Science Theater 3000, fueled by extra goofy boredom and dirty minds. But we never dissed the movie on the kind of things EWW guy does. If we watched the movie normally, and became immersed in it, then any simple, potentially dodgy plot points would be over-looked.

EWW guy doesn’t do that. The guy did “Les Miserables”, a movie he obviously didn’t like to big with. That’s like shooting fish in a film can. There’s nothing clever or witty about tearing up a movie you don’t already like. He also did “Transformers”. I dug all the Transformer movies, but even I knew they weren’t rocket science. I just wanted to see giant robots fight. But tearing that movie apart, BORRRRRING!

EWW guy, focus on quality of mocking, not quantity. Otherwise, you’ll be like the Batman fans I mentioned earlier. Pathetic.

Sincerely,

Bored With You Guy

 

Dear Godzilla,

Continue to be awesome. Don;t worry about that 1998 Yankee movie, it was just a phase.

And watch out for Gypsy Danger.

Sincerely,

Giant Robots Vs. Monster Fan

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