Dear James Gunn,

Your version of Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy just showed up George Lucas, and maybe J.J. Abrams.

Your galactic space opera didn’t require deep, political conversations or lens flares to make it cool. You just had fun characters with enough past and pathos to give them depth, a visual, vivid palette, and the right mix of humor, action, and heart. In one move you made Star Wars Episodes I-III look staid and uncool. And nary was a lens flare required!

Feel free to keep up the awesome work. Maybe you could give J.J. a hand with that new Star Wars series, if you’ve got time. But keep focus on the next installment of Guardians of the Galaxy. If it is just as good as the first, I’ll be quite happy.

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

Still geeking over Howard the Duck cameo!

 

Dear cast of the Big Bang Theory,

Thank god the three core cast members got a pay raise!

I couldn’t imagine how you got by before on that paltry few hundred thousand dollars-per-episode. Talk about disgraceful! It must have been incredibly difficult to “act” for such a measly sum. After all, all the reading you had to do, the memorizing, and in Kaley Cuoco’s case, making sure her breasts were exposed just enough to entice the geek fans away from their man-love for Jim Parson’s Sheldon, or as I like to call him, the Fonz of the 21st century.

Thankfully, with your pay raises and other incentives, you three will probably pull in $300 million over three years. Hopefully that will be enough to support you, your spouses, their alimony, your huge mansions in two or more places around the world, your kids’ high-priced schooling, the fleet of cars you will own, your “posse”, and in Kaley’s case, all the plastic surgery she’ll need in the years to come. Plus, with all this money, approximately $20+million a year, you will never have to work again… because people will only see you as these three characters, FOREVER, unless you work behind the camera.

Can you imagine people living off less than #20+ million a year?! Pretty impossible eh! I bet all those homeless people you pass in your limo, Cadillac Escalade, or Prius are just faking it. I bet they make tons of money, but just pretend to be hungry and poor. I bet they would blow that $1 million you earn per episode, for ONE WEEKS WORK, in no time. And it would be on stupid things like adequate housing for themselves, maybe their kids who also live on the street or feed themselves with food stamps.

Again, congratulations  on your raises. Well deserved, no doubt…

Sincerely,

The Writer of the MOST sarcastic letter of all time!

 

Dear Managers,

When I was a kid, I was told by various people to do what I was told, not as they do.

I thought that was bullshit then, and I still do.

As a manager, you should set an example  for those who work for you. For example, being told a certain dress code by someone who isn’t following said dress code kinda makes me not want to listen, or care what they say. If they can’t follow something simple like that, how credible are they?

Not very.

So if you are an adult, trying to tell other adults what to do and how to do it, when you don’t do it the same way, then shut yer mouth. If you can’t walk the walk, then sit down and let us do the walking.

Sincerely,

Someone Who Doesn’t Suffer Fools

 

Dear Television,

I think it was Bill Maher who said that television is one of the causes of the Dumbing-Down of America.

Sadly, it isn’t just America suffering from this dumb-down. Any nation who can watch shows featuring Honey Boo Boo, a Kardashian, or some other wealthy kook also suffers.

Remember the good ol’ days when someone who had a TV show either had talent, or was at least interesting to watch, and didn’t have to debase themselves to get ratings? These people had personality. They were entertaining. Most of them had worked their asses off in the industry to get to the point where they could host or run their own show.

Today, all you need to be is rich and allow cameras to follow you around. Hell, you don’t even need to be rich! You just have to be quirky. For shows like Duck Dynasty, they have the best of both worlds. They are rich people who dress up as hillbillies. For fun, Google their pictures from before the show started. They are clean-shaven, and look like rich people. Yet hundreds of thousands of people enjoy their down-home quirkiness. Big Shmo, Slomo, or whatever the hell the guy’s name is, is another example.

Once upon a time, I used to hate shows like American Idol and Survivor. What’s sad is that those shows, and the new crop like Rising Star and the cooking shows or whatever, they look positively brilliant next to the other crap out there. At least people on that show are trying to make a name for themselves, and not exploiting themselves.

Thankfully, I don’t have to watch that crap. But for those who still do… I weep for the future.

Sincerely,

Tired of Crap TV

 

Dear Thunder Levin & Anthony C. Ferrante,

Sharknado 2: The Second One was even BETTER than the first!

But what was cool was sharing the experience with others via Twitter! It was like hanging out with a bunch of friends and mocking the same movie. But it wasn’t a nasty mock, it was a loving mock. In an era where people can watch their favorite shows when THEY want, that group feel of shows, of sharing a TV event, has faded away. The only event TV people share is when something tragic happens. With the Sharknado movies, your guys, and Syfy, have made it worthwhile for people to make time to watch TV, to share a fun event.

Kudos to all involved.

Sincerely,

Awaiting Sharknado 3!

PS: Did I mention I had an idea for a spin-off from Sharknado 2? Gatorquake! The alligators in New York City’s sewers are released during an earthquake beneath the Big Apple! Just mention my name when you make it & I’ll be happy.

 

Dear Marvel Studios,

Rocket and Groot’s friendship was awesome.

But, what if you added Howard the Duck?

They could become the Galactic Three Amigos!

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Me!

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