We all have dreams of where we’d like to be someday, how we would live our lives. It could be a place, a house, or as simple as a certain life style. Usually it is one without stress or work, and we have all the freedom we could ever want. The majority of us never achieve those dreams. Some of us find peace in what we do in our regular lives. Maybe through our children, or doing altruistic and selfless, or just the simple satisfaction that we have a place in the world. Many of us though, never find that life. Many just live day by day, and dream about something they know, deep down, they’ll never have.
These things have been on my mind for a while recently. The future. Not a specific thing or time, but how I actually want to spend it. Sure, thinking about the future can cause stress, but my way of thinking is not so much the destination, but the journey required to get to that destination, and what I’d like at that destination.
It hasn’t been specific things or places per se, but feelings and images…
One is a flowing river or a body of water, like a lake. There’s a grassy river bank with old tress leaning out over the water. A cool breeze rustles the leaves, causing shadows beneath to sway. Hanging from a large branch is a hammock. Its waiting for me to join it. It beckons me to bring a book, or nothing at all and just sleep to the sounds of the leaves, or the gentle song of the river.
Another involves walking down a fog-shrouded country road just before sunrise. There are trees along each side of the road. It is silent, save for a few birds and the soft echo of my footsteps. There’s no sound of civilization. No cars on a distant highway. No music blaring. Just simple tranquility. The sky above is filled with deep blues, warm pinks and vivid reds as the sun prepares to rise over the horizon. It is that time before the world fully wakes up, and you feel like you are the only person in existence.
There are other moments, all too brief, that I experience every so often. Even if they are only for a few seconds, they are moments that I wish to capture and keep, or find a way to seek them out and make them normal.
But reality always returns, which isn’t always a terrible thing. Those moments of bliss may be gone, but they become all the more valuable for having been, and they keep us yearning for them.
I’m not saying I’m old, but I’m getting the point where how my life ends is somewhat important. I still plan to have many years to live. But the question is, how do I want to live them? I could continue on the path I have traveled. There are worse paths, and it has improved greatly in the past few months. Or, I can take those brief moments of bliss and make them the reality.
Easier said than done, of course.
But there are many others who have envisioned their goal, went out and achieved them. So why can’t I? Because its hard. If it were easy, everyone would have everything they wanted!
Myself, I have been somewhat ambitious in my life. But I’ve also indulged myself. I have allowed my bad habits to become regular habits. I have found it simpler to just do what I wanted instead of what I should do. The biggest effect this has had has been my lack of regular writing. Blogs are one thing, but working on the Black Wave Event, and other projects has been virtually non-existent. It not like I have ignored my goals or dreams of making a career out of writing. I think my characters every day. But I allow myself to not do anything, for various valid and stupid reasons. I could also blame the lack of support from those around me, which has some truth to it, but in the end, it is I who controls what I do, not the disinterest of others.
Change is never easy. I know because I’ve written about change before. But there may be a difference this time. Last time, if I faltered, I allowed myself to slip back into old habits, old ways of living, and old ways of dreaming. I would kick myself for my failure, instead of acknowledging that failure, and starting again. That is where success starts. Not giving in or giving up. Accepting our faults, and showing a genuine willingness to change them.
I don’t know what the future holds for me. Will be the continuation of my current life, just getting by, satisfied with whatever I can scrape together. Or will there be genuine change. Will my bad habits become old habits, and then no habits. Will I start new habits, constructive habits, positive habits that will lead me to that hammock by the river, or that walk along a quiet, foggy country road?
I guess only time will tell if I achieve my dreams and goals.