Letters to… Truck-Fearing Drivers, Donald Trump, Sean Penn, Sam Smith & Godzilla

Dear Truck-Fearing Drivers,

I may have ranted a bit about this, but it bears repeating… and because I want to.

Ok, car drivers, just a reminder.

Trucks, like the big ones, have just as much right to be on the road as you do. That means if they have to change lanes because the lane they are in is ending, you let them change lanes! You don’t come speeding up so you can get past them, then honk your little horn because you couldn’t squeeze through!

Just remember, if your little car and a big truck got into an accident, guess who has less of a chance of getting hurt? Here’s a hint; it ain’t you!

So don’t be a dick, or vagina, depending on your gender. Share the road.

Or the big mean truck will drive over you.

Sincerely,

All truck drivers

 

Dear Sean Penn,

You are no Liam Neeson.

Despite your best efforts in “The Gunman”, you would get your ass handed to you by Neeson’s Bryan Mills from “Taken”, or the guy he plays in either “A Walk Among the Tombstones”, “Non-Stop”, or “Run All Night”.

Stick to your Oscar-worthy crap, and we won’t speak of this sad attempt at action thrillers.

Sincerely,

Movie Audiences

 

Dear Donald Trump,

Ok, you’ve had your fun, but I think its time you stop.

You may have become the poster boy for cowardly, ignorant Americans who have always wanted to say the stupid things you say, but it is time to let them down gently. You’ve had your fun, and got the kind of attention “Celebrity Apprentice” couldn’t give your over-inflated ego.

But it over, like your hair.

Time to fess up and tell the people the “Donald” you have been portraying as part of your GOP run was just a sham. A fluke. A mock-up of the kind of extremist mentality that is ruining American and pissing on Old Glory. Time to step aside and let the real Republican candidates have their time so THEY can run their party into the ground.

But don’t worry, I’m sure there is some lame reality show that could do with your brand of racist, bigoted humor (I spelled “humor” like an American so you’d understand Mr. Trump). I’m sure Duck Dynasty could use you.

Sincerely, the Western World

PS: If the “Donald” you play during this GOP thingy is ACTUALLY you, to quote Harry Dead Stanton from the Avengers “Then, son, you got a condition.”

 

Dear Warner Bros., Legendary Pictures, and whoever else is involved in the possible Godzilla/ King Kong crossover,

Cool idea, except for a few things…

  1. Godzilla his huge.
  2. Godzilla has atomic breath.
  3. Godzilla is badass.
  4. King Kong is a good actor (thanks to Andy Serkis), and he may have taken on three T-Type-Rexes, but they were all his size… see what I’m getting at?

So, unless the new “Kong: Skull Island” movie introduces an economy-sized Kong… well actually I hope you come up with a solution, cause a crossover would be sooo cool!

btw, Pacific Rim crossover would be cool too!

Sincerely,

Giant Monster/ Robot Geek

 

Dear Sam Smith,

First off, you are a talented singer, no doubt.

Despite not liking “”Writing’s On The Wall”, the theme song for the new James Bond movie “Spectre”, when I saw it in the theatre, after listening to it a second time, it has some great lyrics, and you sing most of it great,

But, those really high notes you sing… not my cup of tea. It kind of sounds like me when I try to sing high notes… and I suck at singing.

So, if you could re-record the song without those high squeal-y parts, that would be great.

Thanks,

Some non-musical shmuck.

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