I’ve probably written about this before.
How a certain time of year, whether it be the beginning of a new year, or before school starts in September, feels like the beginning of a new chapter in one’s life. A time to start fresh, to re-ignite our passions and ideals, or to re-align our paths in a direction we want to go.
When I wrote such blogs, I had all the best intentions to make those changes.
Yet here I am, not where I wanted to be… sort of.
This time last year was hard. I finally had a career started as a Pharmacy Assistant. I had a job in my field, full-time hours, working with decent people, working close to home. It seemed pretty damn decent.
But it wasn’t. Although I was grateful to realize that Pharmacy Assistant wasn’t for me, I still felt like a failure.
Today, things have definitely improved. I have a new, full-time job that is easy to do, that I don’t mind doing, working for a company and boss who are pretty decent, and working with co-workers that are also decent. I get a decent pay that covers everything and then some, thanks to having no debt.
But things are just that, decent. “decent” meaning “adequate; fair; passable…” I’m sure some would be quite happy settling for that. But three things are preventing me from settling for that…
- Age: No, I’m not “old”. But things ache more. There’s more grey. I can see the signs that I’m closing in on the half-way point of life, especially if you consider men might live to their 80’s or 90’s. This might be even less if you consider being…
- Overweight: I’ve never been thin, nor would I ever try to be thin. In this case, average would be fine with me. But since my new-found regular employment, I’ve been indulging in the things I couldn’t when I wasn’t employed, like junk food and take-out (or take-away for you British folks).
- Writing: Besides writing my blogs, I haven’t done ANY significant writing in nearly a year. When I was doing the Pharmacy Assistant thing, I could blame the stress and unhappiness of the job. When I started the new/ current job, I could blame the adjustment to the schedule (up at 5am, usually in bed by 9pm), or allowing myself to enjoy the fact that I was employed, didn’t hate the job, and had regular amount of money coming in so that I could enjoy the material things in life again.
But now, I have nothing and no one to blame but myself.
Interestingly enough, they may all be connected.
I used to walk regularly, 5km a day at least. But I haven’t done that regularly for a long time. That little bit of exercise can do wonders, not just physically, but mentally. Often during my walks, I’d think about stories I was working on. Walking is exercise, which helps with keeping my weight a little more reasonable. When I wrote regularly, especially after a good writing session, I’d feel good about myself, like I had accomplished something. As I have gained weight and felt lazy, I haven’t always felt good about myself. Instead of doing something positive, like writing, I now have the cash to get junk food and wallow in my blah-ness, like I used to do when I was a lonely depressed teenager.
When the people around you only see you in a certain way, treat you in a certain way, it is hard to break that. It’s that idea that if you are told that you are fat and stupid, or that you are petty and vindictive, or that your opinion doesn’t matter because you are the youngest and therefore don’t know anything. If you are told those things long enough, you believe them, and subconsciously, you settle into that role.
For me, that has been a pretty regular thing for most of my life. Over the past year, I have embraced it because it became easier to do so than change.
But I’m kinda sick and tired of that shit.
I’ve seen myself be that person, the kind of person most people around me would rather I be. That isn’t who I want to be anymore. Sure I’ll keep the good, but the bad has to go, not just for my mental health, but my physical health as well.
If those years wasted trying to be a Pharmacy Assistant has taught me is that I’ve wasted enough time doing what others expect of me. You should NEVER waste your time trying to make others happy if it doesn’t make YOU happy.
I know what I need to do. Now, I just need the motivation, the courage, and the strength to make those changes.
In one years time, I hope to come back and read this blog and see what I have changed, what I haven’t changed, and see if things are better and if I’m happier.
Until then… stay tuned!