The Adventures of Sark Across the Online-Dating Dimension

Believe it or not, I’m not a sociable person. Since I’m not a drinker, I don’t do the bar scene. I have “quality” friends, not “quantity”, most of whom are married, having kids, and are the furthest away from singledom that people can be.

So, once every so often, when I feel the need to see just how unattractive I am, I create a profile on an online dating site and see what kind of hilarity will ensue.

Now before I get into this, I shall say that I have met some truly cool people online that have become truly cool friends, and we have stayed friends for years afterwards.

This blog isn’t about them.

It is about me, and the glorious failure that is my online dating experience.

These can be defined by the era in which my online dating occurred. So we shall start at the beginning…


Back then, I believed that a relationship was necessary to make me a whole person. Because everyone else was happy in a relationship, right? So I sought out a girlfriend online.

Of course, not being a whole person is probably not the best frame of mind to seek out a better half. I learned afterwards that you need to be a whole before you can add-on to it. It’s making a hamburger. You don’t start by pouring ketchup, Debbie’s Hot Mustard, Miracle Whip, and onions onto an empty plate. You need a Dad’s receipt hamburger and decent buns first.

Of course, decent buns are a must no matter what you do. That’s just common sense. And that goes for all sexes!

I met a few ladies during the beginning. They ranged from ladies who wanted a booty call out of me, to ladies who, like me, sought a better half when they were only 45% downloaded.

Some highlights include going on a first date and seeing a movie. WRONG! Don’t go on a first date and go to a movie, unless you go somewhere before or afterwards to actually talk to the person. Also, do some research about the place you are going if you’ve never been there before. If you don’t, you’ll end up walking around aimlessly in rainy weather waiting for the movie to start.. or the theatre to actually open. Also, don’t go to a hockey game unless you already have seats bought and paid for, or else she’ll go see the game without you. In that case, it was for the better.

Meeting for coffee/ drinks in a place to talk is a simple start, to see if there is chemistry, to see if the person isn’t a sociopath, or to see if they have brought their resume for you to review. Yes, I met with a woman who brought their resume… quite a complete resume too! What she lacked in personality, she more than made up for with office management skills and experience.

For those who are curious, the booty call came from a woman I met once for coffee. She called me back months later to invite me over to check out the Canada Day fireworks from her bed. I’m sure there are many guy reading this… or maybe not, who would have jumped at that chance. But, to be totally blunt, I don’t stick my private junk into places that haven’t been vetted by my brain first.

So those kind of things happened off and on for a few years, whenever I had a profile online. For quite a few years, I didn’t do online dating because I decided to actually get my own shit together.

But recently, as things seemed to be finally coming together, I thought I’d give it another go…


I rejoined the online dating world again. Perhaps it was half-hearted, since I was kinda off-the-cuff in description of myself, but having come to terms with being me and pretty much liking who I am, even if others don’t, I figured honesty was a better way to go. Better for them to see the kind of person I am, then trying to sell myself as something they might want, only for them to learn the truth and go running from the coffee shop.

Despite my best efforts, I still had ladies interested in meeting me and going on a date. The results; a free movie for them and being on the receiving end of me digesting spicy food (hint: it begins with the letter “F” and rhymes with “tarts”). But at least I got to go to the movies!

These days, I didn’t even have to meet anyone to get them pissed off at me! Of course, I did learn that I am a bit of a snob when it comes to messaging, especially when the cold conversation goes as follows…

Lady Online: Hithere:)

Me: Hi there back.

Lady Online: How r u?

(FYI: when texting people today, we are no longer limited to 140 characters. Even Twitter has 280 characters now! Sooooo, already annoyed by her messages. But don’t worry, it gets worse!)

Me: Im fine how r u?

(I did make an effort to speak her language… ok, I was just annoyed. I also checked her profile and found absolutely NOTHING in common with her. So I’m thinking this was a late-night drunk message thing.)

Lady Online (a day later): So tell me about yourself.

What the fuck?! I created a whole frickin’ profile describing the kind of person I am. I even added three subjects to start a conversation with, which actually worked with two different women! But this woman has nothing to bring to the conversation except early text messaging abbreviations and an inability to read my profile? Not interested.

But, having been blown-off by many in my time, I tried to be polite and tell her goodbye. She then got offended and confused as to why I was ending our “conversation”. So I told her that I wasn’t interested. She followed up that with not one, not two, but three responses, one of which she told me that I was rude.


I have since hid my profile on the dating site.

I have been in contact with a few women from this brief stint, one of which I have met who is a very talented artist and baker.

But this stint may have revealed to me a flaw in my dating aspirations. Me. I’ve been single for so long that I have become accustomed to it. I enjoy my “me” time. I like doing things on my own without having to run it by someone. But I think I’ve also become harder to get along with because of the things I’ve mentioned in previous blogs recently. My moral compass in pretty unmovable, which can cause disagreements. I’m opinionated and, unlike my younger self, I’ll speak up if asked, instead of being the polite ghost I was for so long. In short, I’m not the easiest person to get along with. Just ask my siblings!

Life is odd though. The strangest things can happen when we least expect it. That includes stumbling across something who can put up with me.

Unlike before, I didn’t delete my dating profile, I just hid it. So, maybe next year, I’ll give it another try.

At the very least, I’ll have another excuse to write a blog!


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