Letters to… the Christmas Edition

Dear People who say “Happy Holidays” and those who hate them,

Lighten up!


Ok, yes Christmas is the most omnipresent, oppressive holiday of the year, with Halloween in second and closing…

(yes, I KNOW Halloween isn’t a “holiday”, stop interrupting!!!)

And for a while, big stores tried to accommodate those not celebrating Christmas by saying “Happy Holidays”, or calling their parades “Holiday Parades” and so on and so forth.

Yeah, it was lame. As if no one would see the truth. That Parade of Lights is actually celebrating *gasp!* Christmas! How dare they? How dare THEY!

Hey! The Christians stole the date fair and square from the Pagans centuries ago. December 25th is Christmas! There’s no escaping it, even if you celebrate the birth of Jesus in January.

Saying “Happy Holidays” is a cop-out, mutha-trucker! It’s frickin’ Christmas! Say it! Say MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCH!

Wait a minute.

It’s a free country.

If people want to say Happy Holidays, they can if they want! After all, most people are actually on holidays, even if they don’t celebrate Christmas. Those celebrating Hanukkah and Kwanzaa still get to enjoy the holidays handed out for Christmas. Hell, even Atheists get the days off!

So, the next time someone says “Happy Holidays”, and another person gives them shit, tell that Christmas Nazi to go fuck themselves.

Happy Holidays!


Sark the Elf


Dear Inventor of Elf on the Shelf,

It an unemployed elf!

If he was employed, he’d be slaving away for his merciless taskmaster, Santa Claus.

If you don’t want that unemployed cousin sleeping under tree, why are you putting an unemployed, lazy frickin’ elf on your shelf?

Stop it.


Gainfully Employed Elf


Dear Christmas Commercial Producers,

Santa has EIGHT Reindeer!

Not six. Not four. EIGHT!

And don’t get on my case about Rudolph! He’s a special operative, only used when needed.

For some reason, that really pisses me off. You spent however millions of dollars creating a CG reindeer, or contacted some dude to wrangle some actual reindeer, and you couldn’t bother to get the right frickin’ amount?!

If I see one more commercial with an inaccurate amount of reindeer, I’m gonna sasquatch someone!


Pissy the Elf


Dear Upside-Down Christmas Trees,

Go back to Australia!


Down-Under Elf


Dear Christmas LED Lights Inventor,

Why do your lights not look as pretty as the old lights?

You figured the technology to make them energy efficient, yet they don’t have that same glow as the lights of old.

Colour me disappointed.


Sadly-Lit the Elf


Dear Egg nog lovers,

The real name of this yellowish “delight” is “Chicken Milk”.

Read the french translation! It’s right there!

I don’t know how they do it, but they milk chickens and put it in a carton and voila!

Mmmm mmmm! Chicken milk! The second most popular yellow liquid people consume.

If you thought Urine the most popular yellow liquid people consume, you are sick… and probably chugging chicken milk.


Yucky Elf


Dear Billboard Top 100 Singers and Songwriters,

Your Christmas songs suck ass.


Classy the Elf

P.S., same goes for newer Christmas movies, except “Elf”, that was awesomesauce!



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